Word Count: 278
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I'm making no money off of this.
A/N: Early season 2. Dean character study-type piece. For 15minuteficlets' Word 15.
It doesn’t ever really feel better. Some things just don’t. But gradually, it starts to feel normal, living with the pain. Internalizing it.
And it’s better than the alternative, Dean tells himself. He doesn’t think he could handle it if he had to hunt his father. Externally, of course, he’d be fine. But internally? Internally, that’s the kind of thing you just don’t ever heal from.
Sam doesn’t get that grief isn’t about what you show other people. It frustrates Dean, that Sam needs him to be something he’s not now that Dad is dead. Sam needs him to cry, and Dean was never that person. He’s not about to become that person now.
(Everyone has their breaking point. This is his.)
Sometimes things are so big you have to force yourself not to feel them just to survive, to go on breathing every day. This is Dean’s philosophy. If you let yourself feel, you can’t keep things in check. If you let yourself feel, you’ll fall apart.
So he is the strong, silent one, so Sam doesn’t understand and gets angry and says he isn’t dealing with it, so the Impala bears the brunt of his rage. Par for the course. If he were dealing with it, really dealing with it, he couldn’t do the job, and that’s not acceptable. Saving lives is his thing. Killing things that don’t belong in this world, that’s when he feels best. If he couldn’t do the job, he might as well have died in the hospital like he was supposed to.
(Except that then there would be no one around to take care of Sam, and that’s his job, too.)